Did the Cleveland Indians win their home opener Monday? People, that hardly matters. Here's what they wore:
Not sure what those numbers mean, but that's a fine gander at the Indians' new home alternates -- meaning, mostly, those new red jerseys.
As is the case with all opinions, you're no doubt in need of expert guidance on how to feel about this newest example of baseball haute couture, the color of which calls to mind an heirloom rose that has been angered by an internet video comment. Fortunately, this scribe is here to tell you how you feel about this and other related matters by laying out of a series of inviolable first principles with regard to baseball fashion. Come with me, won't you? Wait. You're not going to wear that, are you?
1. White, cream or gray jerseys are better than jerseys of other colors.
Straightaway, the Indians on Monday sat in contempt of this edict. The simple fact -- and these opinions are facts -- is that white, cream or gray uniform tops are demonstrably superior to tops that are not white, cream or gray. By going red and or rogue, the Indians stand athwart good taste. That said ...
2. If you're going to wear jerseys that aren't white, cream or gray, then they should be a different color from the hat.
Score one for the Indians. They wore navy blue hats with those red jerseys, and those colors being different means that the non-white/cream/gray jerseys were rendered as inoffensive as possible (it's not just the batting helmet you see pictured above; the Indians' hats Monday were mostly blue). In contrast look at what the opposing White Sox perpetrated:
I'm not talking about the three baseball points they allegedly scored. Rather, I'm talking about the fact that their jerseys and hats are the same color. This is contrary to best practices and worthy of full-throated condemnation. Not done with you, White Sox ...
3. The road team's jersey should proclaim their city.
Again survey the White Sox image above. The White Sox are on the road for this contest, but their jerseys do not declare their civic origins. While attending games in which the visitors commit such violations, hometown fans are likely to beseech in unison, "Regarding these hostile invaders: Whence?!"
Rep your city on the road, not your nickname. It is thus because thus it is. While on the matter of jerseys ...
4. Jersey piping is to be encouraged.
Now let's look askance just a moment toward Atlanta, where the Braves on Monday night for their home opener are wearing their usual home duds:
Seems they have five baseball points. You'll note that Ronald Acuna's jersey is trimmed in red and blue. This world-championship flourish is piping, and it is good. The Indians did not take this necessary step, which means the plains should ring with lamentations.
Moving downward ...
5. Socks/stirrups are to be worn exposed.
Sadly, this handed-down-on-stone-tablets precept is often violated in contemporary baseball. From this same contest, compare this Cleveland trash:
USATSI
To this Cleveland splendor:
USATSI
Vastly better, you agree. Q.E.D. Regarding that topmost photo, if you're going to wear your pants long then at least have the basic decency to wear cleats that aren't the same color as your pants. Last I checked, this is a society.
Before we take leave of foot-and-leg matters ...
6. Stirrups are superior to socks.
Whatever you slap on your lower gams, they should be exposed. We've covered that. Now let's establish that stirrups are preferable to socks.
Let's keep it Cleveland and pluck from antiquity this 2016 image of Francisco Lindor's foundation:
USATSI
Be still, mine ventricles. That, people of baseball, is how it's done. Note that the raised and distinct borders strongly imply that these are actual stirrups and not the faux variants favored by well intentioned civilians. No, we're not done heaping praise upon Mr. Lindor's clubhouse decisions ...
7. Striped socks/stirrups are superior to non-striped socks/stirrups.
With this passed by acclamation, let us now declare, from on high and while wearing a magistrate's wig, The Hierarchy of Lower-Leg Baseball Textiles:
Striped stirrups, exposed.Non-striped stirrups, exposed. Striped socks, exposed. Non-striped socks, exposed. Any of the above, not exposed.Choices one through four lead to hosannas bellowed in the town square. Choice five begets the risk of civil suit.
8. Cream home uniforms are superior to white home uniforms.
All-white home uniforms are good, as noted. All-cream home uniforms are even better. For instance, these:
Are better than these, and not solely because of the piping:
The cream coloring, while a subtle upgrade over the whites, is an upgrade just the same.
There you have it. Follow these eight principles and conduct yourself up the ladder of life while also becoming a better human being.
