The Braves' mascot Blooper, who is in essence the Phillie Phanatic fresh off an involuntary shearing and ashen from just witnessing a murder, has revealed himself to be a vile and possibly foul-smelling mountebank.
In order to justify this assertion, let's roll this security footage from SunTrust Park:
As you can plainly see, Blooper, under the auspices of seeking an autograph, has swindled Padres thunderclap Manny Machado out of all the $300 million for which he recently signed. Given that Mr. Machado has not yet been paid all 300 million of the monies he's owed, that giant novelty check is going to bounce.
A mere $10 service fee presumably at the nearest SunTrust branch, you mumble dismissively? If only. A little known clause in the Dodd-Frank Wall Street Reform and Consumer Protection Act of 2010 establishes that giant novelty checks returned because of insufficient funds entail a penalty of twice the face value. As such, Machado will soon go on the injured list with a case of debtor's prison. Blooper, meantime, will use his ill-gotten lucre to fund a Caligulan romp through Oceania.
And all of that brings us back to the murder witnessed by the Phillie Phanatic.
