Welcome to the MLB Star Power Index -- a weekly undertaking that determines with awful authority which players are dominating the current zeitgeist of the sport, at least according to the narrow perceptions of this miserable scribe. While one's presence on this list is often celebratory in nature, it can also be for purposes of lamentation or ridicule. The players listed are in no particular order, just like the phone book. To this week's honorees ...
Kris Bryant, Rockies
Truly I say unto thee, there is no higher human calling than inconveniencing the wealthy. This is the case even when the wealthy are inconvenienced by those slightly less wealthy but still wealthy by any reasonable standard. This cherished first principle is why we're rolling back the clocks of Greenwich all the way to spring training in order to honor Rockies payee Kris Bryant. Please witness his vaguely recent Parking Lot Decision:
As revealed by ancient stencil, that's the parking spot of Rockies suit-wearer Dick Monfort. On this day, however, Dickie Revenues shall not be parking there and will quite likely be taking more steps than usual en route to his corner suite at the Rockies' spring training complex. That's because Kris Bryant has claim-jumped his parking spot with his perhaps rented Ford F-150 Raptor.
Aside: Has Monsieur Bryant committed not one but two laudable acts of war and crossed the far spot boundary, thus taking up not one but two spots? Given that the designated spot of another C-suite layabout is probably in privileged adjacency to that of Chuckles Monfort, it seems possible. We can't can't offer visual confirmation that the talons of this particular Raptor have encroached upon a second parking spot, but given the dimensions of his conveyance – 80 inches of width, per recent web surfing – it seems tantalizingly possible.
When it comes to billionaires who insist on showing up at the office instead of causing tennis instructors to sigh with their eyes closed or wheezing through a canned big-game hunt in which he's unknowingly firing inert rounds, assigned parking spots are the coin of the realm. All available kudos go to Bryant for taking those coins and giving them back to the people in the form of emotional uplift.
Buck Showalter, Mets
Hereby: Mets skipper Buck Showalter for the next week shall be permitted to manage on horseback while wearing a bicorne hat. This is an honor bestowed upon those managers who show leadership that goes beyond the rote and customary, occasionally at great personal hazard.
In Showalter's instance, he is so laureled because of his willingness to lead his troops into battle in the very physical sense. The far-off general's promontory with brass monocular and high tea at the ready? It is no place for Buck "By My Hands, the First Casualty" Showalter. For he is never more at home than when standing fibula/tibia-deep in the blood of the non-righteous.
Evidence, you require? Please witness the following wartime newsreel footage and notice who is first upon the front lines:
Yes that is Buck Showalter, the manager, leading the charge and committing your assumptions to flames. Rare is the sight of a skipper being the first into the still-nascent fray, but so is Buck Dirt Roads of Fire Showalter – rare, that is. In this space, we are compelled to note that we do not support unsanctioned violence. We do, however, support hostilities, and Buck Showalter has nobly advanced those – hostilities, that is. Typically, a player will be the one to perceive a casus belli and interrupt proceedings via mad dash paired with made-up profanities like "thaspus," "yicketty," "doobler," and "satchputch." No such need this time, as Buck Meaty Shillelaghs Showalter is on the case.
At this juncture, you might be asking, in bald defiance of all available evidence, if Buck Showalter is a baby? Well …
No, he is not a baby. He is a man on horseback. The saddle horn shall be his lectern.
Jimmy on Twitter
As you're aware, NFTs are screenshots of widely available free internet content that have been commodified and put up for sale in exchange for Camel Cash, the foundational cryptocurrency.
That universally acknowledged statement of fact brings us to the matter of the Atlanta Braves' recent unveiling of their 2021 World Series rings. Please witness the following high-level exchange on media sociale:
Jimmy, thank you. Thank you for your advanced and actionable understanding of the Ethereum blockchain, and thank you for being there for those with nowhere left to turn.
