Welcome to the MLB Star Power Index -- a weekly undertaking that determines with awful authority which players are dominating the current zeitgeist of the sport, at least according to the narrow perceptions of this miserable scribe. While one's presence on this list is often celebratory in nature, it can also be for purposes of lamentation or ridicule. The players listed are in no particular order, just like the phone book. To this week's honorees ...
Tommy Pham, Reds
Tommy Pham and his fists that function as diminutive active volcanoes has been a frequent honoree in this august space for his willingness to counsel his haters/motivators to mind their words and comportment on account of his being a living, breathing, sentient dojo with a functional mastery of every extant brawling art. Mixed metaphors in the preceding (highly tortured) sentence? Hoss, there wasn't any metaphor at all up in there.
Now, though, it seems that Monsieur Pham has progressed from artisanal threats of violence to actual reprisals conducted under the ancient laws of combat. You are likely aware – much to your personal uplift – that Pham recently wobbled the chompers of rival fly-catcher Joc Pederson prior to a rousing match of baseball between Pham's Reds and Pederson's Giants. As you are furthermore aware – much to your even greater uplift – Pham was pressed into defense of righteousness by Fantasy Football Effrontery exacerbated by the sharing of a Provocateur's Graphics Interchange Format.
You see, not only did Pederson, that dishonorable flimflammer, make a Fantasy Football roster move of cryptic origins, he also shared a gif that rendered the 2021 NL West standings in cruel and unsparing terms. For your own safety, sit down on a stable, padded chair with armrests, and gird your soul and vital organs in anticipation of being incensed by all reckoning:
Hills be shaken: Joc Pederson has ventured far beyond the pale.
What makes Pham's unabridged recriminations all the more impressive is that he played the long game in perpetrating them. Pham, you see, played for the Padres in 2021 – thus the gif above wounded him deeply – and not until he was under the employ of the Reds did have the chance to make things right via the time-honored currency of the open-hand slap. Consider and then admire, if you will, how long Pham clung to this particular grievance. The offending roster move and GIF drew blood last fall, and Pham didn't get around to giving Pederson his head spanking until late May. Praise be those who are quick to anger and slow to forgive.
Now please allow Tommy "Rabies Dreadnought" Pham summarize his position for you:
"It was this past year. I was in second place when I dropped out of that league. There was a lot of money on that line. I'm a big dog in Vegas. I'm a high roller at many casinos. You can look at my credit line. We were playing big money. I don't have to get into the details of how much, but I look at it like if you lost, you had to pay double. If you came in last place, you had to pay double. So, I looked at it like he was (messing) with my money along with the disrespect."
Pham has long been a master of self-appraisal, and we have previously highlighted his aptitude in this regard. Please regard this Pham quote from last season:
"When you start cursing at me, it's one thing. It's different from 'Pham sucks.' That's perfectly acceptable. The curse words, I have a problem with because that's not something you would say to me face to face. Where I'm from, in the state of Nevada, it's labeled as assault. Someone comes up to me, cursing at me like that, I could defend myself. I'm a very good fighter. I don't do Muay Thai, Kung Fu and box for no reason."
And then this one from earlier in 2022:
"If Luke wants to settle it, I get down really well. Anything. Muay Thai, whatever. Like I said, I've got an owner here who will let me use his facility. So f--- 'em. I'm out."
At this point, we are honor-bound to construct a Tommy Pham self-appraisal mixtape using excerpts from his prior utterances. It goes a little something like this:
"I'm a very good fighter … I'm a big dog in Vegas … Muay Thai … big money … Kung Fu … I'm a high roller at many casinos … I get down really well … You can look at my credit line … Muay Thai … f--- … The curse words …"
Tommy, thank you.
The severed heads of his enemies? He shall load them into cannons and fire them at their headless bodies.
Some mascot standing next to Torey Lovullo
As everyone knows, the function of mascots is to promote national unity. Typically, the sports mascot is glimpsed standing at respectful parade rest for the entirety of the sports contest, thus exampling for the rest of us a decorum and a prevailing quietude that lends itself to proper sports consumption.
On rare occasion, though, the mask slips a bit and we see into the heart of hearts of the American mascot. What lies there -- what lives there -- is an honorable solemnity. Please witness what happened recently at a ball field in America:
MLB screengrabThat is an edge-rushing robot tasked with promoting our shared values. Touching, then, that he's standing respectfully, hand over the human heart that beats within, during the full run of a unifying Sousa march.
The cynics among us will no doubt that the mascot above does not have his hand positioned over his pectoral but rather has placed it lower on the thoracic tapestry. Rather than promoting our shared values, they say, he's palpating his liver in an effort to help it process Saturday night's decisions.
Actually, that's probably what it is.
