During the MLB's GM meetings on Wednesday, agent Scott Boras had a lot to say about many of his clients with the free agent frenzy underway. To liven things up a little bit, Boras came prepared with some puns to help sell his clients a little bit more than usual.
Boras spent quite a bit of time with reporters, and he shared creative updates about the status of free agency as a whole, as well as specific players. Boras gave some interesting answers about Xander Bogaerts, Carlos Correa and many more of the offseason's top free agents.
With Boras putting so much effort into most of his answers, we have decided to rank them from best to worst. Check out which of Boras' puns landed and which ones needed more time in the oven.
All of these quotes are courtesy of ESPN's Alden González, who transcribed some of Boras' more notable answers.
1. On the interest level in shortstop Xander Bogaerts
"This is the first time teams have had a chance to sign the X-man. I think they're finding it to be a marvel opportunity. Xander has a very famous uncle, Humphrey, and he certainly left in his memoirs, 'Kid, there's gonna be a lot of teams looking at you.'"
As someone with tickets to opening night of "Black Panther: Wakanda Forever," I can certainly appreciate the first half of this answer. Then, Boras went the extra mile and rolled a Humphrey Bogart reference in there as well. He definitely went over this one a few times before throwing it out in front of reporters.
2. On James Paxton exercising his one-year player option to stay in Boston
"Sometimes it's better to take the six pack than it is to search for the champagne."
Frankly, this is just good sense. Instead of chasing bigger money on the free agency market, which he may or may not have gotten, Paxton chose to take the guaranteed $4 million from the Red Sox for the 2023 season. We can all learn a little something from this one.
3. On teams looking at pitcher Carlos Rodon
"Last year the thinking team chose Rodon. And this year, Rodon has sculpted another masterpiece. And I think in the marketplace his definition of museum-level art is now clearly understood by the teams."
At the risk of making a pun out of Boras' pun, this was a thinking man's joke. There's nothing wrong with getting a little art and culture in your life. This is another joke where I can appreciate the level of work Boras put into it beforehand.
4. On the interest level in pitcher Taijuan Walker
"Taijuan is on an island, and I think the only question is who is willing Taipei?"
This had some dad joke energy to it, and while I am not a father, it does sound like something my own dad would try. I also enjoy that this displays Boras' knowledge of world geography. Someone paid attention in school.
5. On what teams are getting in Brandon Nimmo
"There are a lot of teams in the free agent market that are in the waters for a center fielder. Whoever Pixar guy will be the lucky one to Finding Nimmo."
We've got another reference to a Disney property from Boras. The mouse really does run mostly everything. This one may not be quite as good as the X-Men crack above, but it absolutely works. Now if only Mets fans can make like Dory and forget that postseason appearance.
6. On the free agency market overall
"The free agent market is very much a carnivore's market. There are many grades available. For owners' menus, those are more leaning toward filet mignon and wagyu than they are to hamburger and vegan."
While this isn't the most creative joke in Boras' arsenal, it does paint a good picture of what MLB free agency might look like this offseason. Hopefully, this does come to fruition, and fans get to watch teams get into bidding wars over the best players in the game.
7. On the Rangers spending in free agency
"I don't think they're looking at Texas and saying they have bum steers."
I'm not sure whether Boras is referring to the Rangers' actual roster or how much money they're willing to throw out in free agency. If it's the former, he has to be lying. If it's the latter, which I assume it is, Texas might be poised to make a splash and take a big step forward next summer.
8. Another answer about Bogaerts
"It's kind of X marks the spot on the map to the treasure of the Sierra Madre."
The first Bogaerts joke was better. Quit while you're ahead, Scott. You should know that.
9. On what Carlos Correa can bring to a team
"So you're a franchise brand. You're the Dior of defense. You're the Hermes of hitting. You're the Louis V of leadership. You're the Prada of the postseason. It's a one-stop shop for a championship designer."
It seems like Boras is really pushing Correa here, but is that necessary? It seems like Correa would have plenty of interest, even without Boras comparing him to luxury brands. Also, it doesn't seem like there's a good pun in here, unless it has just gone completely over my head.
10. Updates on players for whom Boras may or may not have prepared jokes
"Man, I, uh, need a left-handed pitcher like that." (Sean Manaea)
"It's simply una-Boyd-able that I need a guy like that." (Matthew Boyd)
"He just has all the bells and whistles." (Josh Bell)
"He's kind of the Return of the Mike, the hit of free agency." (Michael Conforto)
"Profar, so good." (Jurickson Profar)
I don't think Boras had prepared answers for these players, and he kind of just threw them together at the last minute. The Manaea joke really stands out as one he threw together on the spot. The update on Matthew Boyd is in that same vein.
